Ahh dictators… Shouty, angry, manipulative, extremely dangerous – and in most cases rather short. Remind you of anyone? As much as we love our mini Mussolini’s there is no getting away from the fact that toddlers are well… Kind of scary! Here’s our run-down of why toddlers are like mini dictators.
- SHOES: They decide which shoes are appropriate to wear today, thank you very much. So that’ll be the pink glittery wellies to a wedding (you know, the ones you bought for that £194 a ticket family music festival that you had to cancel as tiny dictator number 2 was up all night vomiting) or plastic see-through Paw Patrol sandals in the snow. Please note: the more rushed you are to leave the house, the more ridiculous the choice and greater the resistance to change (OBVS!)
- FOOD: Let it be noted that just when you are praising yourself on how you’ve raised a non-fussy eater who eats ANYTHING, you will go for something to eat with friends (you know – the ones who don’t have little dictators in their lives) and suddenly little Kim Jong Il won’t want to eat anything, so will spend the meal saying “NO!”, crying and flying into a rage at the sight of things they normally love to eat everyday (and your face). Please note: all of the above does not apply to ice cream, chocolate or anything that has no nutritional value and a wheelbarrow of sugar in it.
- SLEEP: “We’ve been very lucky with him/her with their sleep for a long while now, haven’t we?” OK. Did you actually say those words like out.of.your.actual.mouth? WOW. Have you learned nothing yet?! Nothing you can do now… You’re basically screwed. I bid you good luck on the next few months spent with zero sleep. Advice: Next time keep such thoughts inside your head in a very quiet whisper of self smugness. Never say those actual words or similar combination of words in a sentence out loud EVER… They may not be able to speak in full sentences yet, but they know… Oh they know!
- TELEVISION: Remember those good old days whe you could watch what you wanted on the idiot box? Omnibus editions of Eastenders with a hangover… The news… Hell even country file (hey, I won’t judge). Forget those days, they are gone forever now. You are now in a world of pain with ex Butlins red coats doing jazz hands at you, singing, dancing overweight middle-aged men that have towns named after them, (creepy – so creepy), “catchy” theme tunes that go round and round in your head until you want to sit in a corner rocking back and forth stabbing your ear canal ear with a knitting needle. Think it’ll be gone when you go to bed…? Oh reeeeally?
- TOILET BUSINESS: Do this at your peril. How dare you leave the room without permission. Cue: “Mummy? What you doin?” Repeatedly every 2 seconds or even little kicks/taps at the door – all this means is that you get stage fright and give up. Oh and if your house is anything like mine, you’ll probably get a cat’s paw appearing under the door too – you know. Just for good measure.
- LEAVING THE HOUSE: Are you military trained? No? Well unlucky, as you’re gonna need to be. Well that plus having the patience of a saint. They decide on when you leave and pity the fool who thinks otherwise. Popular stalling tactics include shoes (see point 1), coat “issues”, last minute toilet explosions or just deciding they no longer want to go ANYWHERE with YOU.
- FURNITURE: Hey listen – you want that nice glass table or the ornate cabinet with the apothecary style drawers? Forget it sister. The beautiful drawers will be full of lego, half eaten apples, odd socks and the stickers that seal the babywipes (where do those things spring from?!!!) the glass table will be full of finger and face smears. This is their house motherf*cker so man up, toe the line and get with the regime pronto.
- CONVERSATIONS: Uh.. Hello? You actually thought you could have an actual chat with a real life person outside of them? What planet are you on? Dare to speak to anyone else and prepare yourself for the leg tug and/or and “Mummy!” “Mummy!’ (repeat to fade) until you give THEM the attention they and only they rightfully deserve, goddam you!
- CAR: Used to enjoy nipping into town in your immaculate little car? Forget it. As with ‘Leaving the house’ this now involves miltary planning if you intend on getting anywhere on time. Oh and let’s not forget all the stuff on the floor, things on the windows, childlocks, car seats and that faint whiff of gone off milk and apple rice cakes that you can never seem to get rid of.
Sound familiar? If you have any scary stories about living under your little one’s regime, I’d love to heart them in the comments below!